A Horse is a Man's best friend
by Cuddlefloofs
Summary: Snidely Whiplash has come up with what he believes is his best plan yet, said plan involves him having to seduce an unsuspecting Dudley. Hijinx ensue. Will Snidely finally win, or will he find himself falling in love with his greatest enemy? Find out in this exciting story of Dudley Do-right!
1. Chapter 1 - A Brilliant Plan!

We open our story on a drab, cloudy day on the cusp of spring. What a grey, dreary day it was. A somber, muted, dark day.

"Why it's the perfect day for villainy!"

Indeed, it is on days like these where the diabolical main character of our story, Snidely k. Whiplash, likes to dreams up his most despicable plans.

"Yes, I can feel it, Homer, the days of Dudley Do-right's heroic antics will soon come to an end. I will get rid of him once and for all!"

Homer, his right-hand man, was all ears.

"Sure. Snidely. What'cha got in mind this time, Snidely?

Snidely stood triumphantly.

"Why, the horse, of course!"

"But Snidely, every time we try to horse-nap that horse, Dudley always gets it back!"

Snidely squinted.

"Clearly you don't understand, Homer. You see, we need not separate Dudley from his horse to make him stop riding it."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yes. Now listen closely, Homer."

Snidely paced and spoke heartily.

"I will take Dudley from his horse. I will get him alone. Then, I will show him affection. Seduce him, even. Make it so he craves my touch. Then, we will make love! By the time I am through with him, his bottom will be so sore that he'll never want to even **look** at a horse again! **Mwa ha ha**!"

…Homer stood wide-eyed. He wanted to say many things, but he also wanted to stay employed.

"Uh, yeah, sure, whatever you say, Snidely."

Snidely sat down at his vanity with a toxic smirk on his face.

"A full-proof plan. After all, how could anyone resist me?"

"But Snidely, they…well, I don't think they allow queers into the RCMP."

Snidely chuckled.

"Homer, if I know anything about men like Dudley,"

He smiled wickedly.

"It's that it never takes much to knock them off a _straight path..."_


	2. Chapter 2 - Step One: Acquire an Ally

Snidely was outside taking a long walk outdoors, apparently looking for something. He knew that if his plan was to succeed, he would need an inside source. Someone close to Dudley, and sentimental enough to believe his plight to help him. That could only mean…

"Ah, there she is! Oh no."

Nell was standing in a field of flowers by a cottage, and who should accompany her but that bloody horse!

"Oh well, nothing to worry about, I'll just have to really sell my part."

Snidely prepared himself before making his way over to Nell with a light-hearted spring in his step, then cleared his throat to get her attention. Horse whinnied and Nell looked up.

"Oh, fair Nell, could I possibly ask a favor of – "

"Snidely Whiplash! You scoundrel, what are you planning to do to me this time?!"

Snidely looked shocked.

"Why Nell, you've gotten me all wrong, it's nothing like that! I just needed your help is all," he said sweetly.

Nell looked confused and horse looked skeptical.

"And what could you possibly need my help for?"

"Oh, it's terrible! I am suffering, my heart is in turmoil! For you see, Nell – "

He fell onto his knees and buried his face in his arm.

"I am in love with Dudley Do-right!"

In the ensuing silence, Nell inwardly cursed and handed horse ten dollars. Then she spoke up.

"But Snidely, you are a villain and he is a hero, and you are both men!"

"The heart wants what the heart wants, Nell. I mean, how could I resist his baby-blue eyes, that stalwart position, that strong, cleft chin, that angelic voice, those sweet, blond curls!"

Snidely surprised even himself with how easily he played the role. Nell was taken aback.

"Well… this certainly came out if nowhere. How could you possibly love a man who is your sworn enemy? Who defeats you on a daily basis? Who foils your plans and utterly humiliated- "

"Yes, I get the picture. Well, fair Nell, you must consider that I have been in love this whole time, and that I just can't hold it back anymore! I am done deceiving myself. I am in _love_."

Wow, he was really good at this!

Horse neighed with suspicion.

"Horse is right, Snidely. You have held me hostage 27 times before. Why should I help you now?"

"Because, my fair, lovely Ms. Fenwick – "

Snidely picked a flower and held it to his chest.

"Love has humbled me. I am no longer the man I was, rotten with greed and drunk off the beautiful tears of people I've rendered homeless. No, all that I long for now is Do-right's passionate, affectionate gaze! Don't you want this old, black heart to find love!?"

Horse rolled his eyes.

"Oh, well I suppose that's noble enough," says Nell, storing away thoughts of the two men caught in a lustful embrace for later. "But doesn't Dudley have his sights on me?"

"So?"

"You're right. Okay, I suppose It would be fun to play matchmaker. What did you have in mind?

"Ask him about me. Ask him if he has had experience with men. Talk to him. Convince him I am worthy of love!"

Nell ruminated, considering whether to accept this herculean task.

"It will be hard, but I believe I can do it. Maybe."

"So you will do it? Oh, how wonderful!" Snidely knelt and placed his hands around Nell's. "you have my deepest gratitude, fair Nell. Shall we meet back here tomorrow, same time?"

"Yes, that is fine. Well, I should be on my way then. Until tomorrow, Snidely."

"Toodle-oo!"

As they walked away, Horse looked back. He pointed his hoof at his eyes then pointed it at Snidely, then trotted off.

As soon as they were out of sight, Snidely cackled.

"I have them right in the palm of my hand! Dudley Do-right will soon find himself completely smitten with me."


	3. Chapter 3 - Step Two: Gather Intel

As Snidely watched Nell walk away, a thought struck him.

"Hold on, how can I really be sure that what she tells me is true? She is quite the sneaky woman, that Nell."

Snidely crouched.

"But I am even sneakier. I'll follow her, that's what I'll do!"

Snidely gave a devilish look before going back to his cottage to retrieve his hedge disguise.

"I didn't have any plans for today anyway."

 ** _Elsewhere…_**

The sun was beginning to set while Nell Fenwick and Dudley Do-right's horse made their way to the stable in the RCMP camp, conversing along the way.

"Well Horse, I must say that I have never been in a stranger predicament. I've never had to play match-maker for two sworn enemies before."

Nell blushed.

"And certainly never for two men!"

As she walked Horse to his stall, a troubling thought occurred to her.

"What if that scoundrel goes back to his old ways and takes advantage of poor, unsuspecting Dudley?!"

Horse made a consoling whinny.

"Yes, you're right. He is a Mountie after all...'

Horse then neighed threateningly.

"Oh my! Snidely may be awful, but that's just taking it too far! Listen, I'll keep watch over them and make sure everything goes smoothly. I promise I won't take my eyes off them."

Horse nodded.

"Well, I'm off to talk to Dudley. Wish me luck!"

 ** _Meanwhile…_**

After easily getting past the guards with his clever disguise, Snidely the bush went in search of Nell. Before he could find her, who should he spot sitting in the grass looking dumbly at the sky than the very Mountie that he was convinced would fall for him soon.

Snidely snuck close to the daydreaming Dudley until he was in ear shot of him and begun to hear whistling.

 _O Canada, is it? How sickeningly patriotic._

He stayed still, a totally unsuspicious bush, and watched Do-right for about five minutes, just scrutinizing the man and getting lost in thoughts about him. Snidely had never seen the man so relaxed. It was…nice. So nice that the heel accidentally let his guard down and allowed the leaves to rustle. Dudley took notice and turned to the noise.

 _Drat! I've been found out!_

Snidely watched in horror as the Mountie made his way towards him.

"Why, I hadn't noticed this before!"

With that, he sat in front of the faux bush and- _oh no-_ leaned on it, right against Snidely. Dudley ignored the odd smell of it and breathed a sigh of comfort.

 _Double drat! I would have much rather been caught. How long will I have to stay like this?!_

Not long after this initial reaction, though, he found himself not completely hating Dudley's closeness. He felt warmth emanating from the fit body, smelled the subtle cologne. He could hear the steady, relaxed breathing and it felt…intimate.

Just as Whiplash was getting used to the presence, he heard a familiar female voice.

"Dudley! Yoo-hoo!"

"Nell!" Dudley stood up as the woman approached, leaving Snidely with a disappointment he would never admit to feeling.

"Dudley, I want to talk to you about something."

"Anything!"

"Well, it's about Snidely Whiplash – "

"Snidely Whiplash! What is that fiend up to now!?" Dudley said, squaring up. Snidely did not like the look of that.

"No, no, nothing like that! It's just…well, I've been thinking...what if Snidely Whiplash wasn't a bad guy?"

"What ever do you mean, Nell?"

"I mean, could you possibly like him if he weren't evil?"

Dudley paused. He brought his hand to his chin, looking very thoughtful.

 _Very_ thoughtful. For a whole two minutes. After it was clear he wasn't going to answer anytime soon, Nell broke the silence.

"May I ask you a personal question, Dudley?"

"Sure."

"Have you ever kissed another man?"

This sudden question made Snidely panic. _Oh, very subtle Nell! You really eased him into that one!_

Dudley looked terrified.

"N-Nell! That's– I mean- o-of course not! Maybe, but- no!"

"Your face is red!" Nell teased. "So did you like it? Come on, you can tell me. I can keep a secret~" She winked

"Uh, well…Oh, would you look at the time! I have to go, eh, feed my horse, heheh…good bye!" he stuttered, almost tripping over his feet as he scurried away.

Nell chuckled to herself.

"very interesting."

 **. . .**

Snidely, having heard the conversation, had to put great effort into not mwa-ha-ha-ing to the high heavens.

 _This is perfect! With just a little persuasion, I'll have that Do-right kneeling at my feet!_

Snidely barely had time to process how gay that thought was before he heard a voice approaching.

"That Inspector Fenwick will be the death of me, I swear to – oy vey! That is one ugly hedge. I'm getting the chainsaw and hacking it down."

 _Good lord, these men are violent! I had better escape unnoticed._

So like an assassin in a stealth game, Snidely made a swift and covert retreat from the RCMP camp.


	4. Chap 4 - Step Three: Get Into Character?

Snidely Whiplash was exhausted by the time he got to his cottage.

"Ah, what a full and successful day of villainy."

He fell face-first onto his creaky bed. Something odd happened, though. Despite being so tired, he did not fall asleep.

 _My mind is racing. It's that God-forsaken Mountie! If he hadn't_ leaned _on me like that-!_

He hated to admit it, but the thought was giving him warm fuzzies.

"And I **hate** warm fuzzies! I must go to sleep and stop these thoughts."

And so he tried. He rolled over and over, trying to smother these cutesy feelings with thoughts of foreclosing mortgages and women bound to railroad tracks. He tried for about an hour, doing things to distract his thoughts. All of this was to no avail however, so Snidely begrudgingly opened the floodgates and let the fuzzies consume him. Once he did this, he was able to relax. He fell asleep with ease, drifting away with feelings of warmth and tenderness.

 **…** ** _off into dreamland..._**

Wonder. Wonder is what you feel looking at the picture in front of you. A sunset, one more beautiful than any you have ever seen before, paints the sky orange and splashes warm color onto the rolling hills and grassy plains. A forest can be seen on the horizon, black from the shadows. You look in awe, but then you turn your head to see that you are not alone.

The hero, more beautiful than any sunset, smiles at you. He stands and take your hand, leading you wordlessly to an elegant horse with a pearly white coat. He climbs atop and beckons you to do the same. You are afraid to do this at first, but then you look into his eyes and all doubts seem to disappear. There is nothing to fear when you are with him.

The hero helps you onto his horse and wraps your arms around his waist. He whispers something sweet and reassuring to you, and then you're off.

Though the horse gallops fast, you don't feel it. All that you feel I the hero within your arms. You squeeze tight and bury your face into his back…or…

His chest. He is facing you now, and you're sitting on the ground. You can't believe a hero would love a villain, and yet he holds you. He brings your chin up to look into his sparkling blue eyes. You lean in closer. Closer. You close your eyes in anticipation. Your lips are almost touching. And then…

"Hello there, Mister Whiplash."

You open your eyes to see the hero gone, and you are in a white room with swirling, shimmering, shimmering clouds of purple, blue and pink. You look to your left to see a white, bipedal dog with glasses and a little red bow tie.

"Who are you?" you ask

"I am Peabody, the bespectacled specter of prudence."

"Wha – what?"

"Well we were originally going to send down the fairy of adulation, but she was busy. I was sent in her stead since I, with all my flexibility and wit, am fully capable of solving any problem."

You sit dumbfounded, trying to process everything you've heard. After a minute, you realize.

"So…is there a problem?"

"Indeed there is. You see, you have dug yourself into a pit. You have given yourself an…interesting end goal, all in the name of deceiving yourself into thinking what you are feeling isn't real. It's really a simple matter of cognitive dissonance."

"What I'm…feeling?"

"Yes. And what you feel is deep and passionate love."

You get defensive.

"N-no, absolutely not! A villain does not _love_. It is a disgusting weakness!"

"It is not. And you must be careful when denying what you feel, Whiplash. That road can only lead to misery."

"I'm sure I don't know what you're talking about!"

"Hm. It seems my help is not wanted at the time being. Very well then, I will leave you with this message; stop contradicting yourself. You must accept this sentimentality. Be that which you've suppressed. You must do this if you are ever to, shall we say…"

Wait for it.

"Mount that Mountie."


	5. Chapter 5 - Step five: Get help

Snidely woke in a dizzy haze. He'd never had such a vivid dream. All he could remember was some pompous dog talking complete nonsense. Something about him being _in love_ with that dumb blond.

"Poppycock! I'm no more in love with Dudley than I am Homer. I simply wish to manipulate _him_ to fall in love with _me_."

Content with this reassurance, Snidely hopped out of bed and got ready to meet with Nell …

"Rehabilitation!?"

"Yes, isn't it a wonderful idea?"

Snidely reeled.

"That's an awful idea! I'm not some sorry chump who wants to "change" himself. I am a villain, through and through!"

Nell was surprised.

"But Snidely I thought you loved Dudley. You DO love him, don't you?"

"…Yes."

"And you want to spend as much time with him as possible?"

"I suppose."

"Well the only way for him to even be near you is if he knows you've changed, and the only way he can be sure you've changed is if he saw it himself."

"Hmm…" Snidely didn't like it. Not one bit. But…

"Fine. Anything for…his love."

'Oh, goodie! Now come with me. And don't worry. I'll make sure he falls in love with you,

….

"I don't like the way they're looking at me, Nell."

Snidely felt like an outspoken atheist at a catholic church as Nell lead him through the RCMP camp.

"Calm down, we're almost there."

Nell walked with Snidely toward a small building tucked away in the corner of the camp.

"What is this building?"

"This is where we used to train new recruits."

"Used to?"

"Yes. This way."

Snidely shrugged. When they turned the corner, there stood who else but Dudley Do-right of the Mounties. Seeing him arose a very strong emotion that Snidely could not quite place.

"Ah, there you are!" Dudley perked up and strode towards them. He stopped in front of Snidely and crossed his arms.

"Finally decided to turn over a new leaf, eh, Snidely?"

Snidely made an innocent face,

"As sure as the wind blows."

"So will you let me help you on your path to good?"

"I'm yours to do with as you please," said Snidely suggestively.

"Uh, yes, splendid! Well., step inside please."

Snidely brushed past him and went inside the small building.

"Well, I'll leave you boys to it. Don't let him give you too much trouble now, Dudley."

Nell winked, spun around and walked away.

Dudley was confused. He turned and went inside.

Once inside, he saw Snidely leaning against a desk.

"Well, we're all alone now, Dudley. What are you going to do with me?"

"Well Nell has been kind enough to put together a 5-step program for you. 5 virtues for you to learn, 5 days for you to learn them. This means that 5 days from now, you will be an upstanding citizen. Why, if you work hard enough, you may turn out as morally upstanding as I!"

 _When pigs fly,_ thought Snidely with scorn. _Let's just get this over with._

"So what is the first one?"


End file.
